Helicopters Above My Head: My Darkest Hour

Three nights ago, a man jumped off the freeway bridge. I don’t know why, and I cannot find his name.

I searched for it but could not find it. I searched for it but only found a report about the freeway being closed. He remains nameless…

Three days ago, my day started pretty emotionally. I have been under a lot of pressure and stress. For the past few months, I have been experiencing things I’ve never experienced before, and it has left me feeling a lot of uncertainty. But this day, I felt more fragile, but I pushed through and made my Uber Eats deliveries with a smile.

I started around noon and by 9 pm I got ready to head back. I was tired, still emotional, and still stressed about life.

As I was driving back, I got another delivery request. I was close to the freeway but decided to accept the delivery since it was a good amount of money.

I then turned down Sunset Blvd, and there was a bit of traffic. I noticed red and blue flashing lights and realized traffic was slow because everyone wanted to see what was going on.

I will be the first to say I enjoy minding my business. I thought someone probably got pulled over for speeding. There’s nothing to see. I will mind my business and keep driving as usual, but as I got closer, I saw it was more than someone getting pulled over for speeding. There actually wasn’t a car there.

I saw a Black man with his back against the wall and about two or three police officers facing him. He looked scared as fear crept inside my heart.

I did not know what was going on, but I thought to myself, “Please don’t kill him. Please don’t kill him.” If you are Black, you understand why that was my initial thought.

I kept driving because I recognized I was already vulnerable, and I knew I could not handle anything tragic. I began to pray for him as I heard people yelling, “Don’t do it.”

I pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot, maybe less than 1,000 feet away. My order ended up being canceled, and all I could think about was the man as I prayed for his safety.

I got ready to turn around and head back to the freeway as I heard all the commotion — sirens, etc.

Once I got back on Sunset Blvd., in less than 5 minutes, everything was blocked off. I heard helicopters above my head as I drove to try to find another way to the freeway.

I continued praying for him as I remembered how scared he looked. My situation and troubles became small as I thought of him.

After being directed to drive in circles for about five to ten minutes, I realized every entrance and exit to the 101 freeway was closed and blocked off by police. I didn’t understand what was going on, but I was afraid for him.

After driving for five more minutes, Google Maps finally found an entrance to the freeway that was open. I began to drive to my destination. I kept thinking about him, praying he was okay.

As I continued driving, I became more and more anxious and started crying. My mouth began to tingle as I started hyperventilating.

Google Maps directed me to get off of an early exit. By this time, I knew where I was but had not turned off the maps. It usually tells me to take a different exit, but it directed me to take an exit before my exit.

I listened and pulled over into a gas station because I could no longer see. My eyes were full of tears. I had never experienced anything like this. I needed to know he was okay, but a part of me knew he wasn’t.

I remembered the helicopters flying above my head and thought maybe there was a live broadcast of what was going on. As I mentioned prior, I was already in a vulnerable place. I wondered if I would be able to handle what I may find, but I needed to know.

I typed in, “Man on Sunset Blvd police” and one report came up. I clicked on the video and recognized the area. The reporter pronounced him dead. He had taken his own life.

I write today because I mourn those who cannot get past their darkest hour. I do not know exactly what happened to the young man with fear in his eyes. I do not know why he may have felt death was the only way.

But my heart goes out to every person who is now facing their darkest hour. Life is hard. I know that. I continue experiencing it. I’ve even thought about dying.

What initially kept me alive was my family. I didn’t want them to go through life wondering if they could have done something differently. Then things began to shift to me having hope that things would get better. That hope is still alive in me today and the fact that I believe I deserve to live. I matter and that is what keeps me alive.

What I have learned about my darkest hour is that it is only there for a moment. If we allow ourselves to rest when our minds can no longer function, things will get better.

Close your eyes and find rest in God. Allow the morning sun rays to shine upon you and wake you up the next day.

You may not feel completely better, but recognize that you made it through your darkest hour and things can only get better from here on out.

Get the help you need. You may not recognize it as the help you deserve, but you deserve it. Why? Because your life matters. If no one has ever told you that, please accept my sentiments and hold on to them. You matter.

“You never know what someone may be going through.”

That phrase seems so cliché, but it is true. We don’t know what people are going through.

I am emotionally intelligent enough to recognize that my emotions and feelings are my responsibility. They do not belong to anyone I interact with, which is why I pushed myself to make my deliveries with a smile. My customers should not have to experience my pain or sadness because I am in pain. But not everyone I delivered to was considerate of me.

What I have learned while working in any customer service job, especially retail, is that we sometimes treat businesses with no regard for the emotional humans who run each business.

We think we can treat people like crap because we are customers and, “We can take our hard-earned money elsewhere.”

We hear the phrase stated above all the time, but do we practice the meaning behind it? Do we treat every soul as something precious, even if it is at work? Do we disregard others’ feelings because of their skin color, size, profession, economic status, etc.?

Does that phrase really matter to you? Or has it been said so many times you no longer recognize its value?

It’s been three nights since this happened. And I’ve searched the internet every night wondering if there was more information about him, even if it were just his name. But I’ve found nothing…

To the Young Man with Fear in His Eyes Who Remains Nameless,

Your life mattered. I don’t know what happened that night. I don’t know what you were thinking. I wish you knew someone cared enough to pray for your safety. I wish you listened to everyone yelling, “Don’t do it.” But even in death, your life still matters to me and has inspired me to push forward through my troubles and let as many people as I can know that they matter.

Our darkest hour is only for a moment. It will not last. If you push through it, you will see just how strong you really are because even death could not take you. Close your eyes and rest in God. Allow the morning sun to refresh you. Better is coming. Hold on to your faith and hope. The sun always comes out the next day. Push through, then repeat. You deserve to be fought for, even if that someone fighting for you is you.

Love, Jaz