She Chose Her New Man Over Her Child

I don’t know what single parent who is dating needs to read this, but you are not dating for one, you are dating for two. I once had a friend who was experiencing many ups and downs in his life. He seemed to have lost his way. We will just call him Jackson. Jackson did not grow up with a father. It was always just him and his mom. His mom, of course, still desired to be loved by a man. She yearned to be in a fulfilling relationship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She eventually met a man who made her feel exactly how she wanted to feel. The only problem was this man was not a good fit for her son Jackson. Jackson and her mate did not get along, but she felt like he was a good fit for her. She soon allowed her mate to move in and sent Jackson to live with his grandma.

I have heard of this happening more than I would like to. Another story like this: A young girl named “Kim” lived with her single mom. Once her mom found someone that made her “feel good,” she decided she wanted to start a new life with her boyfriend, so she and her boyfriend decided to send Kim to live with her dad. Kim had been with her mom all her little life. One day she was living her life with her mom, and the next thing she knew was here comes some new guy, and she had to leave. I have even heard of another mom doing something very similar. When she got pregnant by her new man, they decided they wanted to “start fresh” with their new family and child, so they sent her child from a previous relationship away with his dad. How do you think that child or Jackson, Kim, and every other child like them grew up? And then we as a society shame broken and wounded people instead of encouraging them to heal.

This is something that happens in our community far more than it should and far more than people would like to admit. It should not happen at all! And it is something that some parents simply like to sweep under the rug as if they are not responsible for making their child feel small or less than.

To The Parent

Hold yourself accountable if you are the reason your child had to or still is enduring pain. Forgive yourself and work to reconcile things with your child, because they are worth it. If your child, who may be an adult by now, is having a hard time forgiving you, fight for your child by continuing to show up but giving them time and space to heal. Do not be the parent that tries to force your child to move forward and to forgive you because you want to feel better about what you have done in the past.

I know some parents feel so guilty about what they have done, so they try to push their way into their child’s life to show them they are different now. But in some cases, you push so hard for your child to forgive you because you do not want to feel the weight or be reminded of your mistakes every time your child does not let you in. That’s not fair. Just because you are ready for reconciliation or to make amends doesn’t mean your child is ready. You cannot just up and decide to be a parent one day and expect your child to allow you to be if you haven’t been before.

You have to question the intentions behind your heart. Are you being led by guilt or love as you push for reconciliation with your child? Guilt will cause you to try and force a relationship with your child so you can forget the past. Love will cause you to own up to the past and be patient with your child as they go through their healing process. That is why it is important for you to forgive yourself, own up to your mistakes, and allow God’s grace and mercy to shower over you. If you are going to fight for your child, be in a healthy place. Do not be led by guilt and shame. Be led by love.

To The Child

If you are the child that this has happened to, know that you are worthy, you are special, you are valuable, and you deserve to be loved. Forgive your parent(s) and work towards building a relationship YOU are comfortable with. Take your time deciding what that relationship looks like. It may be a simple phone call once a month, once every few months, or maybe you are ready for something more. Or maybe you are okay with not having a relationship at all, especially if your parent isn’t presenting an opportunity for a healthy relationship. Just do not allow the hurt they have caused you to turn into bitterness.

I know forgiveness may seem impossible at times, but we have to realize forgiveness not only affects the person you are forgiving, but it also affects you. I am not only telling you to forgive your parent(s) because it is the right thing to do, but I am telling you to forgive because it is the first step towards your healing.

Black people love to say, “But that’s your father” or “But that’s your mother” as a way to guilt the child into forgiving their parent and allowing them to be in their space. That is not what I am saying here. Yes, forgive, but realize forgiveness does not require you to allow your parent(s) back into your space. They have to earn it and show they are trustworthy, and you have to guard your heart, mind, and peace. Again, do not allow bitterness into your heart, but if your heart is already bitter, that is okay. God can heal you, just as He has healed me from my bitterness.

But I do want to say this… My dad was not there for me as a child. Once I turned 18, I reached out to him to form a relationship. I never held his absence against him. I always gave him a chance to be my dad. He just never took it. It wasn’t until my late 20’s I finally gave up trying to have the relationship I always wanted with him. I began to realize I made it this far without it, so apparently, I don’t need it. I love my dad, and I will not paint a picture of him as if he is this horrible person. He just doesn’t have the capacity to love me like I want to be loved, and he doesn’t have the capacity to be the dad I always dreamt of.

If your parent(s) has truly changed and wants to be good to you, think about giving them a chance, because some of us yearn for that and will never have it because our parents do not have the capacity to change and be good parents. Just think about it though. Do what is best for you, but do not allow bitterness, anger, trauma, unforgiveness, and so on to triumph over what God can restore. He can restore your relationship with your parent(s). He just needs everyone to have a willing heart.

To The Child Who Is Now a Parent

If you are a parent and maybe this happened to you as a child, please heal and break the cycle. Focus on loving you and your child first. Establish a relationship with God, yourself, and your child, and then work on establishing a romantic relationship if that is what you desire. But remember, and you will hear (well, read) me say this more than once, your potential mate should fit into your already established relationships (with God, yourself, and your child/ren). You should not try to fit God and your child(ren) into your relationship with your potential mate. He or she should fit into your established family. While dating, you should be actively making sure he or she will be a great stepparent.

It’s Not Just About You

I know we all just want to be loved, and trust me, there is nothing wrong with that, but the “love” we gain should never be the cost of the pain of someone else. That is not love at all. Love does not dishonor others and it is not self-seeking (I Corinthians 13:5). We have to look further than ourselves. Your mistake has the potential of hurting the next generation of people. If you don’t heal and cause your child pain, they may never heal and can potentially wreck the hearts of others. I am challenging you to do the work. It is not just about you. It is about us and our future generations.

Final note, your kid(s) should come first, but you should also discern when your kids are wrong. For example, you may meet an amazing person, but your child may make you feel like that person is not the best fit, but in reality, your child just wants you to be with their mom or dad. Your child may not be ready to face the fact that things did not work out with you and their other parent. In that case, your potential mate may be a great fit, but your child needs time to adjust.

In all that you do, allow God to guide you and help you discern what is right for your family, and always stay prayed up. Our children need to know they are important. We cannot allow another generation of broken children to grow up searching for love and self-worth like some of us had to. They deserve better, so let us give them better.

Love,

Jaz ❤️❤️❤️